The Freq Show

39. Protecting your Energy during Holiday Season

• Sam Thurmond & Jaclyn Steele Thurmond • Season 1 • Episode 39

Share episode

Send us a text

Sam and I chat our fallback habits during extended periods of time with family and areas where we can improve.  Healthy relationships are possible and so is protecting our energy.


DOWNLOAD THE FREQ APP:
www.thefreqapp.com

VISIT THE SHOP:
www.thebeckonsouk.com

CONNECT ON SOCIAL:
Instagram: @beckonliving, @jaclynsteele, @samthurmond_rei
TikTok: @beckonliving

JOIN THE HIGH FREQUENCY SOCIETY:
Text us at 480-531-6858 and type the word FREQUENCY to receive periodic uplifting, high frequency text messages from Sam and Jaclyn. You can also join by following this link.

NEWSLETTER:
Sign up!

WEBSITE:
www.beckonliving.com

Jaclyn:

All right, welcome back to the Freak Show. This is episode 39, and today we're going to be talking about the frequency of relationships and how energy impacts connection, and we thought that it would be appropriate to talk about this because we are now in the midst of the holiday season. When we're recording this, christmas is a week and a half away, and there's a lot of time spent with family and loved ones in general, and sometimes that's amazing and fulfilling and it is really good for us. And sometimes it can be draining and really hard and challenging and leave you feeling like you need a month of vacation.

Sam:

Yeah mean, I think any time that you um, you know you invite people outside, of the older we get, the more kind of ingrained in our way of living and the way that we do things. And what are you laughing at?

Jaclyn:

Just makes me feel old when you say that.

Sam:

You know what I mean the more seasoned we become.

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

You have, you kind of have the way that you do things, the way that you perceive things, you know so forth and so on.

Jaclyn:

And the less we want to put up with.

Sam:

True. And so whenever you bri ng other people into the mix whether that's family, friends, whoever um it offers an opportunity, I think, uh, but at the same time it can be challenging.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, Ram Dass said if you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family, and I think that that is very true. And I thought something that would be helpful for the listeners is if we kind of dissect our fallback energy, our fallback habits for when we are around family or when we have guests in our home, and how maybe we could do better. And I think over the years we've gotten better and better and better and better, but I'm still not at the point where, when we have people over for extended periods of time, that visit ends and I feel energized, you know. And so I think we should just get really honest about how we react when we're around other people or when people are in our home.

Sam:

Well, apologies up front, but to go off script a little bit, why do you think that to that quote, why do you think that is?

Jaclyn:

I think our families trigger us the most.

Sam:

Because they're the people. Why do you think they trigger us the most?

Jaclyn:

Well, I think there are multiple scenarios here, but on the surface, number one, in general, not for everyone you are closest to your family and so your family may or may not know you best. So there's scen ario number one. Scenario number two is, if you go into the psychology of it, in general your family members have given you a role, and if you're the oldest, like I am, maybe you're the responsible one, you're the one that plans, you're the one that makes sure things happen. Maybe, if you're the baby, you are in that role of being babied of always. You know your family members picking on you a little bit because they think you could do better at this and you could do this and this and this and this.

Jaclyn:

You know, maybe you are a middle child and your role has been ignored a little bit, and so family dynamics can just be extremely difficult if family members do not grow with you. And what I mean by that is when you have, in my opinion, a really healthy relationship with your family members. They give you room to grow, they give you room to disagree, they give you room to change and they don't keep putting you back into that psychological box that they want you in, because that's what's comfortable, and I think so often. When you have family members that are unwilling to see how you have changed or unwilling to have conversations about where you're at in life, then it can get really dicey, because you feel like there's a disconnect between who you were you know, when you left home, or and who you are now.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

And we should all be given grace and space to evolve and grow, because we do, in an ideal scenario, right, evolve and grow.

Sam:

Yeah, I think of it as like a collision of paradigms, because you grow up and you live in the paradigm of your family, of your parents, of your siblings, that sort of thing, and then you leave the paradigm and you put that against the old paradigm of when you were a kid and how that part of your family operates sometimes that you know, called conflict.

Jaclyn:

Yeah Well, it can be threatening to other worldviews and if someone isn't very self-aware, someone who does things differently, can feel threatening, because then you have to start thinking about how you approach things.

Sam:

You're challenging a worldview.

Jaclyn:

It's challenging a worldview

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, So I think we should talk about my fallback habits when we are around family for extended periods of time, whether that's in our house or in their house, and I'll give my observation of how I react, and then I want you to give your honest observation.

Jaclyn:

And then we can talk about how I can improve, and then I think we should do the same for you,

Sam:

Okay.

Jaclyn:

So I have a tendency to want to make everybody really comfortable, want to have everything prepared, want to have the guest rooms ready and people's favorite way to make their coffee all the ingredients ready to go, and I like deep connection and relationships. So surface level stuff is like swallowing sand for me. Like swallowing sand for me. I can't stand it. After about 30 seconds it takes every ounce of energy for me to engage because it's just so boring for me.

Jaclyn:

And so if we are not having good conversation, or if we are not, if it doesn't feel like I'm allowed or welcome to be myself, I have a very kinetic energy. I try and make myself busy, try and make myself busy. I go into performance mode, I think, which is trying to make people laugh, trying to engage, trying to lighten the mood, trying to make people comfortable, but at the end of the day because I am trying to think about how other people feel, Since I'm very much an empath I'm so exhausted and I feel so drained at the end of the day that it's like hard for me to gear up and do it again the next day, and so I have a tendency to burn like really bright and really fiery and then burn out very, very quickly and feel very frustrated and in some ways taken for granted. You know, the other day you mentioned a podcast and you said in the podcast the guy that was being interviewed said men, their primary question is

Sam:

Am I good enough?

Jaclyn:

And for women? Our primary question is

Sam:

Do you see me?

Jaclyn:

And that's always my primary question Do you see me? And I feel like I try so hard because I want real connection with people and not everybody is capable of seeing us and not everybody is capable of seeing me. And I understand that in my head but it's very hard for me to understand that in my heart. So in the past I've walked away from lots of time spent with family, feeling so frustrated that I feel like my efforts to connect and my efforts to care for people are often overlooked and not appreciated. So spending lots of time with family can be very hard for me. I feel in general very drained at the end of it.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

Um what's your observation of me in particular?

Sam:

I think that I think that I one, I understand why that's your reaction, why you feel the way that you're explaining and expressing.

Jaclyn:

Thank you!

Sam:

Yeah,

Jaclyn:

I know you see me.

Sam:

Yeah, I think the big thing there is and this will kind of translate to when we talk about how I interact in these environments is one you're searching for your definition of connection, and I think that people have to bury burying different ways to connect levels of connection what that looks like. So, Yours is a very like I don't know to explain it but a very I feel like a Textbook If you were to like say, what does, what does like con connection mean and what is that definition, I feel like that is yours, like as deep as possible, you know, as honest as possible, um, accepting you know all those things. But the reality is is that's just not how most people operate and that's hard, especially when it's family, those people that are closest to you and care about you the most, and I want to say that they care about you more than anybody else and that doesn't change. But it comes down to how do they express that.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, and it's hard for me to, I think, understand that when I don't necessarily feel connected.

Sam:

Sure.

Jaclyn:

Like I can understand I'm pointing at my head for those of you that are listening. I can understand that somebody cares for me, but I don't necessarily feel it.

Sam:

Yeah, and because I think you're looking for them to connect with you. The way that you define connection and the reality is

Jaclyn:

That's just not possible most of the time.

Sam:

That's just not gonna happen. It's just not going to happen

Sam:

You know I think that that's possible for people to change the way that they connect you know, when it's a relationship like yours and mine, where the time is spent. You know when it's a relationship like yours and mine where the time is spent. You know it's day in, day out coming together from that perspective.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, and we talk about everything.

Sam:

Yeah, but when you're getting together here and there and it's just it's, I don't want to be pessimistic about it, but it really is an unrealistic expectation for people to change their paradigms to meet your expectation.

Jaclyn:

Oh, totally Totally. And again, I can psychologically understand that the heart wants what it wants and I'm a person who wants like a real connection. You know it's not hard for me to get along with people. It's not hard for me to make friends, but the people that I'm really close to, you know, I can count on one hand.

Sam:

Yeah.

Sam:

Yeah, and I think that's pretty common. That's kind of how it works

Jaclyn:

Yeah, so let's talk about how I can improve and then we'll launch into you. I feel like stoic philosophy is a really good approach for me Control what I can control and let go of all expectations, you know, for connection, for closeness, for those things, because I've tried for a long time and things generally don't change a whole lot. Um, though, there have been some improvements here and there, but I think letting go of my expectations for relationships puts me in a better place where I don't feel so spent at the end? And I think also taking more time to do what fills me up, even when people are here. You know, my Mom, when she would host people, was always like what can I do for you, what can I get for you? Well, you know, just such a consummate host, and I think she made people feel extremely welcome, which is good, but at the same time, she did the same thing that I do and then by the end of it, she was just totally spent for a week, and so I think I need to, very respectfully, take more time for myself to recharge.

Jaclyn:

I generally, unless I'm with people that I'm really close to, do not recharge around other people. I recharge when I'm by myself. So taking time to go take a bath or going to bed early instead of staying up late with everyone are really good for me because I feel most safe when I am by myself or when I am with you and maybe a couple of other people, but primarily feel the safest and the most recharged when I'm in solitary confinement, And so I think taking that time is absolutely essential for me when we're with a lot of other people.

Sam:

Yeah,

Jaclyn:

Do you see any holes in my thinking or anywhere?

Sam:

No, I don't see any holes, but we've had these conversations, this conversation before.

Sam:

I think it's just expectations you know, not expecting people to, and it's not a thing, it's not right versus wrong. I think that's key to recognizing that Now there are boundaries. You know, if people are rude or if people you know are not doing things that are unacceptable, that's one thing,

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

But you know, not meeting the nuances of emotional expectations. I think just coming into it with hey, if this person has shown me that this is how they operate and this is the way that they do things and believe it and expect it and don't expect anything more.

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

and that's a and you can, you can have relationship like that. I'm not saying that that's how you want to build and you know, grow relationships, uh, broadly, um, as you, you know network and pursue those sort of things, but when it come to family and those people that are you know you that truly at the end of the day love you and care about you more than anybody and the world does that's the level of acceptance and and accepting the expectation,

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

Having legitimate expectations,

Jaclyn:

And I so get that in my head, but my heart just goes like how boring. But it's like I can't change it. So what am I gonna do?

Sam:

Boring is better than being devastated, you know or being completely just emotionally drained um and who knows,

Jaclyn:

I think I, I think. Well, I think the way that you're looking at it is very logical and very male, and I think the best way of looking at it for me, so that it doesn't feel heavy and depressing, is I just need to protect my energy, and that's it, and that's okay.

Jaclyn:

I think you know, being who I am on a DNA level, it feels weird to go into scenarios protecting my energy because I want to be so open and so overt. But I have done that over and over in the past and felt like I was kind of like bomb, so not to play the victim, not to play the victim. I'm not trying to play the victim I'm sure I've done things too but I think best perspective that I can have that feels healthy and not depressing is just protect your energy. Zip it up so that you, so that I don't feel completely drained and tapped.

Sam:

Sure.

Jaclyn:

Yeah,

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

All right.

Sam:

I mean, yeah, it's the same thing,

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

It's the same

Jaclyn:

I just feel like I feel like that perspective, like I need a more positive approach than like just don't be devastated,

Sam:

No, No, well, that's not what I'm saying and I don't think that what I'm saying is depressing. What I'm just saying is like this is what it is, so don't expect anything different.

Jaclyn:

Yeah,

Sam:

and?

Jaclyn:

And you're right and you're absolutely right. But to me, words matter so much, and so when I say, okay, I'm going to go into this scenario protecting my energy, that's a much more positive connotation for me. Okay, and I always want to stay in that positive headspace,

Sam:

Okay.

Jaclyn:

Okay, now let's talk about how, what your habits are when we're around family for extended periods of time.

Sam:

Well, I think I protect my energy.

Jaclyn:

And I would say you shut down.

Sam:

No.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, so yeah, give me your perspective. How would you describe how you act, or how you think you act, in these situations?

Sam:

Well, I mean, I think that it's been a process. I think that it's been a process for a long time now, um, and there is that you know, keep going back to the or I keep bringing it back to the the whole paradigm conversation of. When you get in that scenario, it's easy to be drawn back into that, like you were talking about you, you, you served this role when you were this age or whatever. So you fall back into that and I think I do that in a lot of ways, um and, but at the same time, I think it was what best served me at that point in time, and so it is the default. Yeah, um, but I know that it makes it difficult for you.

Jaclyn:

Oh yeah, definitely, but why do you think it makes it difficult for me?

Sam:

Well, because I, um, you say I shut down. I think that I kind of do what you're talking about doing, maybe to a higher extent.

Jaclyn:

What do you mean talking about what I'm doing?

Sam:

Protecting your energy.

Jaclyn:

Yes.

Sam:

Yeah, and so.

Jaclyn:

But what does that look like in action? If my energy is kinetic and I'm trying to make people laugh and make people comfortable and keep the conversation going, you?

Sam:

I, I'm more reserved, I'm hanging back, I'm not, I'm not, um, and it depends on the scenario,

Jaclyn:

Sure.

Sam:

um, but much more topical, uh, not looking to rock the boat in any way, trying to keep a steady, steady sea,

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

um, and so I, I think that one that sacrifices some, that sacrifices that level of depth in a relationship, but over time I I'm trying to figure out how to best explain it. I think, over over time, it's an acceptance of, of what is yeah and um, there have been those times, in those periods, where I've stepped out of that, uh, stepped out of that paradigm, or whatever you want to call it, um, and learned that it's, it's safer in the ship, you know, uh, and accepting that can be hard

Jaclyn:

Sure.

Sam:

And it takes some reflection, um, but also

Jaclyn:

I think that's a whole other episode is acceptance.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah, there's. There's also growth in that, in in that ability to accept your family and the people in your life where they are and what that relationship is going to be, and being okay with that and moving forward in that. But back to this conversation. You're, you are the um, you know, you're the one that is injecting energy into the situation, um, and you're not really getting a lot of help from me, so

Jaclyn:

I feel like you leave me hanging, or I feel like you're like, she's got it. She'll make sure that the conversation isn't totally awkward.

Sam:

To be fair, there's yeah, yeah, there's some of that, but yeah, I don't know where to go from here. But that's also your personality versus my personality.

Jaclyn:

Well, I think here's the truth of it. I feel a responsibility to try and make sure that things don't get awkward, but it's actually not my responsibility.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

And so I could get frustrated with you that I feel like you leave me hanging. But it's also not your responsibility to make sure everybody feels comfortable. So in this scenario,

Sam:

And I don't feel responsible.

Jaclyn:

I know you don't, I know you don't, but I am the oldest. I feel responsible for everything. Can you guys relate? If you are the oldest in the family, I feel responsible for everything and I feel responsible for making sure other people feel comfortable. But there's no point in me getting mad at you for that because it's not your responsibility. And there's no point in me, when I don't have the energy to be giving, to continue to give and give and give and expect anything different. So in this situation let's say it's nobody's fault and we just let it be. Like book Wild by Cheryl Strayed the last line sorry to ruin it for you guys is how wild it was to let it be. And I think that is one of the biggest lessons of my life is letting things be. I always think there's room for improvement. We can do better and sometimes you can, but a lot of the time you can't because it's in relationships, it's multiple people and everybody has to be on board. So my lesson here is to let it be and protect my energy.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

What is your lesson here?

Sam:

I think my lesson is you can have deep feelings and deep relationships with people on whatever plane works. People don't have to meet all of your expectations. you don't have to meet all of theirs. But if you find that common ground that you can still have that true relationship.

Jaclyn:

As true as that relationship can be, And I think there are varying levels.

Sam:

I disagree. I think this is back to your

Jaclyn:

See, I don't, I don't think you can have like the truest, highest frequency form of relationship unless both parties really see each other. I just don't think you can because you then you can't have that equal connection. I think you can still have a connection and it's not necessarily a toxic one or a bad one, but I don't think it's the highest form of connection in any way, shape or form.

Sam:

I mean you're saying highest form of connection. I'm just saying like a deep connection

Jaclyn:

Yeah and I said there's different levels of connection, and I think that that's true. You have very deep levels of connection and you have more surfacy levels of connection. And when you talk about true connection because you just said true connection, true connection to me is I see you, I see your heart, I see who you are and you see me, you see my heart, you see who I am, that is a deep true connection.

Sam:

Yeah, but I think that you can do that with. I think that you can do that with your friend

Jaclyn:

Surface? you can do that with surface conversations.

Sam:

It doesn't have to be words. There are different ways that people communicate and show you things. People can say the wrong words all the time, but if they do the right things, I'm going to put more value on what they do versus what they say.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, I know you have to,

Sam:

so and I think that that goes in a lot of different directions. As far as relationships go, men and women have different sorts of relationships. I have friends, I have, you know, like I'm trying to think of an example, but guys don't necessarily have a deep level of

Jaclyn:

Heart-to-heart

Sam:

Heart-to-heart conversations

Jaclyn:

So anyway we're talking about how connection is possible. But I think, to round this out, for people like me who really value deep connection, having an expectation party with ourselves to get realistic about what's possible is very helpful. So then you're not going into this time spent with people you do care about expecting some deep level of connection or something other than what it is, and maybe it will surprise you, but I think having realistic expectations is really good and then also being very intentional about protecting our energy and making sure that we're doing what we need to feel filled up and not drained. How do you want to round it out?

Sam:

Well, I think there's a uh. You can't pour from an empty cup, so you got to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Um, in the process, you know, do things you enjoy doing, because all all that's going to do is help you to show up for everybody else around you. So I think it's you know, it's not unselfish to put yourself first, because then you have the energy to kind of pour out, and it takes a lot of energy, you know, this time of year.

Jaclyn:

Especially with a two-year-old too, who requires a lot of energy.

Sam:

Yeah, Yeah. So I think that it can sound selfish on the surface level, but it's really a way of just filling your cup so you can be there.

Jaclyn:

So you can be at a high frequency for yourself and for other people.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

Yeah. Okay, question we want to leave our listeners with our beautiful listeners. How can you bring high frequency energy to time spent with family and loved ones this holiday season?

Sam:

I didn't spell that I didn't write the grammar in that sentence. When I typed it out it wasn't very good.

Jaclyn:

That's okay, I think I got it All right. Thank you guys so much for listening. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and we'll be back with the next episode next week.

Sam:

Merry Christmas.

Jaclyn:

Thank you so much for listening to The Freq Show with Sam Thurmond and me, Jaclyn Steele Thurmond. We would love to connect with you via our website, beckonliving. com, and on social media.

Sam:

You can find us on Instagram and TikTok @Beckon Living and you can join our email list to receive uplifting messages, podcast and business updates and discounts on high-frequency products just for our freaky community. Cheers to high-frequency living.