The Freq Show

37. Our experience with waiting to have children

• Sam Thurmond & Jaclyn Steele Thurmond • Season 1 • Episode 37

Share episode

Send us a text

In this episode, we dive into our journey of waiting to have children, sharing the background story that led us to this decision. We discuss the incredible experience of welcoming our little one into the world and how that has profoundly impacted our lives. While we explore the pros of becoming parents later in life—such as greater stability and maturity—we also candidly address the cons, including the challenges of energy levels and societal expectations. Ultimately, we reflect on how much we love being parents and the joy our child has brought into our lives, making the wait worthwhile. 


DOWNLOAD THE FREQ APP:
www.thefreqapp.com

VISIT THE SHOP:
www.thebeckonsouk.com

CONNECT ON SOCIAL:
Instagram: @beckonliving, @jaclynsteele, @samthurmond_rei
TikTok: @beckonliving

JOIN THE HIGH FREQUENCY SOCIETY:
Text us at 480-531-6858 and type the word FREQUENCY to receive periodic uplifting, high frequency text messages from Sam and Jaclyn. You can also join by following this link.

NEWSLETTER:
Sign up!

WEBSITE:
www.beckonliving.com

Sam:

Welcome to the Freq Show. Welcome to the Freq Show. Welcome to the Freq Show. This is episode 37. I'm here with my gorgeous husband, Sam. I'm here with my beautiful wife, Jaclyn. I'm Sam. Today we are going to talk about our experience with waiting to have children. So we were married for 13 years before Roman came? 13 years before we had our son Roman.

Jaclyn:

Because we got married when I was a baby.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah, and we had been together, for I'm trying to do math, 15 years total.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, 14. We've been together 16 years now. We're doing public math. This is hard.

Sam:

Year 13 of our marriage. We had been together 15.

Jaclyn:

We may be off by a year.

Sam:

I don't think people really care, but we're right around that time frame

Jaclyn:

12, 13.

Sam:

So, yeah, so we waited a long time compared to a lot of people to have kids. So I think we just kind of talk about our experience and kind of what, because that was a proactive choice. It wasn't. We weren't struggling to have children or anything like that. Thankfully, it was a choice to wait for a number of different reasons. So why do you?

Jaclyn:

Well, you want me to share my perspective.

Sam:

Yeah, but to round that out, I think we'll talk about what we, what our experience has been and, kind of now, looking back on that, how we feel about it.

Sam:

The good, the bad, the ugly.

Jaclyn:

Well, highly recommend having kids. If you had asked me five years ago why we waited to have kids, I would have said it's because I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish before I have children, which was true. But the other very large component behind waiting to have kids was that I was scared. I grew up in a household where my mom initially worked, but then was a stay at home mom.

Sam:

Did.

Jaclyn:

Did you just knock my knee? I didn't know if that was a signal.

Sam:

No.

Jaclyn:

Okay, but I grew up in a household where my mom was home with my brother and I and she loved being a mom like loved being a mom and my mom is and was an excellent mother.

Jaclyn:

But I also know that she had a lot of dreams that she didn't fulfill because she was at home with us and she never said that out loud or ever made us feel guilty about it.

Jaclyn:

But I think growing up as a type A ambitious young woman I thought I can either have kids or I can have a career or I can follow my dreams. And so my mindset around it wasn't a very balanced or healthy mindset and I allowed that mindset to create a lot of fear, like if I have kids, I'm not going to be able to live the life that I want to live, I'm not going to be able to pursue my dreams, I'm not going to be able to build all these businesses, I'm not going to be able to travel like I want to travel, because traveling is just so integral to who I am and gaining inspiration and it's a big, big part of my joy in life is traveling and adventure and doing things I haven't done before and I was like I'm not going to be able to do that with a kid.

Jaclyn:

And so in my, I would say, early thirties, when we started to really have those conversations because you felt ready to have kids and correct me if I'm wrong I felt so much fear that I dug my heels in and backtracked and would be like I'll have kids in my late 30s. I'm not ready to talk about this right now. I don't even know if I want kids. So we had a lot of really tough, tough conversations.

Sam:

Yeah, and I was worried about that, like I didn't know if that was going to be a really, really major issue with us. I was, I think the more time progressed, the more concerned I got. I mean, we got married when you were 24?

Jaclyn:

21. You were 24.

Sam:

Oh, okay, you were only 21?.

Jaclyn:

Oh, no, no, no, I was 23.

Sam:

Yeah, okay.

Jaclyn:

We met when I was 21,. Got married when I was 23, almost 24.

Sam:

Yeah, and I was 25 or I was 26, whatever we were in our 20s. So, you know, I wasn't worried about it at that point. But-

Jaclyn:

Once you reached your mid 30s, you were like-

Sam:

Yeah yeah, it progressively was more, much more concerning for me, because I knew I wanted to have kids. I knew I wanted to have kids with you and I knew that if we didn't, that would be, or if we didn't at least try our best, that would be, I felt like a pretty gaping hole for us and I was really concerned that that would be, you know, a very big issue for us.

Jaclyn:

nd, and I was too, because I was digging in my heels.

Sam:

Yeah, no, I know you did. I know you did. I think in the back of my mind I, I kind of knew that you would come around at some point and I knew that you would love it. Because there's no, there's just-

Jaclyn:

Yeah, let me tell you how I love it now.

Sam:

Yeah. So because there's just nothing like it. And even though I hadn't experienced that, I knew that that would be the case.

Jaclyn:

And you knew me, you knew my heart.

Sam:

Yeah, and I knew that you would be an amazing mother because of who you are.

Jaclyn:

Thank you!

Sam:

So that was, I guess, relationally. That was something that I think was bubbling under the surface for a while with us.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, I thought we were going to have to do some marital counseling over it.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

Which I would have been willing to do. But then you knocked me up. No, it didn't exactly happen like that, but I remember a really pivotal moment for me because, naively, I hadn't thought about it like this. I don't know why, but I had not thought about it like this. We were driving in that Ford F-350.

Jaclyn:

We were still living in the RV, we were in Cottonwood, we were on the highway and you were exasperated and you looked at me and you were like, don't you want to have kids with me? And I was like I, in that moment I was like I have never this is so selfish of me, but I've never thought about it from that perspective and I've never thought about it from his perspective in that way. I think I had always thought about it a little bit more clinically, like I'm going to have a child that I am supposed to take care of. I hadn't really thought about, I hadn't romanticized it and thought about, like that's our little being, that's 50% me, 50% you. How cool? I hadn't allowed my brain to go to that point.

Sam:

I think you had always thought and sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off-

Jaclyn:

It's okay.

Sam:

I think you had always thought of it from a limiting perspective.

Jaclyn:

Very much, very much and for somebody like me who has spent so much time on personal development, that part of my personal development was very underdeveloped.

Sam:

Yeah, and I think it's there. I believe that it's part of, uh, you know, just being a product of our time. I think that our generation there was a much bigger push to, you know, be, be, uh, to wait and go pursue other things and again, like there's have been so many pros as a result of that, this isn't all negative.

Sam:

I think I'm very happy with how the decisions that we made and how things turned out, but at the same time, I think that there you know women and men, but women are the bearers of the children and the brunt of the responsibility but gave women more social pressure, social pressure.

Sam:

Yeah, there was less social pressure and, I think, more of a push to say, hey, maybe you don't want kids, maybe you don't want the traditional life, maybe you want to pursue these things, and I'm not saying that any of that was wrong, but I think the pendulum swung way too far. The pendulum- swung and it again it made it put things, it put having children and having a and growing a family, just in that frame, in a frame of lack.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, yeah, oh. I couldn't agree more. But that moment in the truck was pivotal for me, when you vulnerably were like don't you want to have kids with me? And I was like, well, yeah,

Sam:

Yeah, it was like literally the coolest thing we could possibly do.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, and then I think, two or three months later I was pregnant.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

Um, and I was 34, almost 35 when I got pregnant with Roman, so mid thirties, gave birth when I was 35 and becoming a mom is. I can't even describe the amount of joy. I had one of the hardest labors. I talked about it in my podcast, "Self Worth with Jaclyn Steele. I don't want to rehash it here. It was so hard. But the moment he was put on my chest I was like when can I do this again? It changed my perspective so drastically and so dramatically and so deeply, instantly, like a kind of love, that if I talk about it much more I'll just start crying, because he is the joy of both of you are the joy of my life. But he has added so much. I feel like I'm even more motivated now. I'm more focused, I have more to live for. I have more to fear in some ways too, because I have more to lose, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sam:

There's more, there's more.

Jaclyn:

Yes, and all of those things that I was afraid we wouldn't be able to do. Like me pursuing my dreams Sam can attest to this. I pursue my dreams every single day, every single day, and traveling. I was so afraid about traveling since we've had Roman. We've been to Barcelona, we've been to, uh, italy. We have been to where else have we gone with him? We've traveled all over the United States with him too. Um, next month we're going to Italy for two weeks with our son. So none of those fears that I had were really correct.

Sam:

I almost feel like things clicked even more and accelerated once we had him. Of course, it's a lot of time and energy taking care of a baby and everything and a kid, but there was something that clicked and maybe it is the focus.

Jaclyn:

Um, yeah, you're less focused on yourself yeah, I think I was constantly swimming in my own thoughts, and not from a like self-absorbed way. But when you don't have somebody to care for constantly, it's much easier to become absorbed in your own mind and overthink things, and I'm so much happier having the focus not be me.

Sam:

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think that's a life hack in general is just making life less about you and more about other people.

Jaclyn:

And it's you know other people and and it's you know the most joyful is for your children, you know, and your family. So. So I think we should talk about the pros and cons of having a child in your mid-30s. Do you want me to go first?

Sam:

Sure

Jaclyn:

I feel like mindset wise. I've just have so much more life experience, and so I'm able to impart more life experience. Sam and I have had significant, because we are entrepreneurs and we've been entrepreneurs for a long time. We have had significant financial risks and scares, yet at the same time, we are more financially stable now than we have ever been, and I think the trajectory we're moving in what we talked about in the last episode, in episode 36, we are on the path to financial freedom, and so those are such big advantages. And so those are such big advantages because I have been able to work and I have been able to afford childcare.

Jaclyn:

We have a nanny for him and we work from home. I'm able to see him throughout the day. There's no, there's barely any separation there and I am able to, when we are with him, as long as I'm in the right mindset, be extremely present because we have what we need. So I think that that is a huge advantage. The wisdom part, the life experience part, the ability to be present and having a little bit more financial security those will be my pros.

Sam:

Well, we had time to build. We had time to like, build the foundation of the life we wanted.

Jaclyn:

Yeah.

Sam:

Versus doing that. You know, had we done that year one of when we were married we would have been busy, one of when we were married we would have been busy. I would have still been working a you know nine to five job and who knows what, or still in the military, because we wouldn't have felt we would have felt a lot less risk averse to making some of those big decisions or steps that we made in that process. So, yeah, I think all of that that you said and I think one of the other really, really important ones is we had 15 years together to build our relationship and get to know each other and grow with each other from little 20 year old babies.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, you know, it was 14 years. Yeah, a long time yeah.

Sam:

And go through everything that we went through together and do that together and really kind of. You know, the longer you're together with someone, as long as you're intentionally growing together, you're, you become one, so more and more that other person and we became more and more aligned on everything everything, and so then, I think, having so much time to do that along with you know the freedom to of our time in that process, but now we have had that period of time to become aligned, and then we bring a kid into that scenario.

Sam:

I think that it just was. We were able to build a super, super strong foundation relationally you and I before having you know.

Jaclyn:

Another priority added onto that. I think that that is one of the primary reasons that we co-parent as well as we do.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, okay, now let's talk about some of the cons to waiting later. I would say, cons for me are you know, I had my first child at 35. And, like I mentioned, when they put him on my chest I was like, okay, how many more times can I do this? And I had to have a C-section at the end of laboring for 32 hours. And you have to or at least for me I had to allow that to heal for a year before we could even begin trying again. And then, when Roman was a year old, we didn't feel quite ready yet. We had just bought a house and then we bought Villa Secreta to redo and it was just too much. And so when we did start trying again, I got pregnant quickly but unfortunately had a miscarriage.

Jaclyn:

And so I think the con for me now is when I am in a mindset that is not healthy, I go did I wait too long? Am I going to be able to have another baby successfully, another healthy baby, which I know that I am? I very much feel like I am. But there are those moments where I'm like, should I have just had multiple children, you know, in my late 20s and had much more time in my childbearing years versus waiting toward the latter part. Waiting toward the latter part? Yeah, and I know I don't feel like I'm out of time. I'm 38 years old. If you are 38 years old or older, I don't want you to listen to my voice and have that like tick in your spirit where you're like oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. That is not what I'm saying, but I think at this point in my life I need to be very intentional and not waste a bunch of time.

Sam:

Well, it's a reality. It's a reality. There's no reason to ignore that.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, and I know that there are people who are successfully having babies in their early to mid 40s, and so I think that that's amazing. I know that it's possible, but I certainly want to have another child, and having a miscarriage was really hard, of course few months since that has happened to not allow that doubt and that fear to overtake me. There are moments when it does, but I would say, for the most part, I am very confident that we will have another healthy child.

Sam:

And I've shared this with you and the way that I look at it.

Sam:

That gives me peace is just like in anything If you do your best and you try your best and it doesn't turn out the way that you thought it was going to turn out, then that's okay, because we have a beautiful, healthy son, we have a beautiful marriage, our lives, we are extremely blessed, so we don't have to have anything else to be happy or to fulfill us. We already have that.

Sam:

Of course we want it, but there doesn't need to be all this pressure. You know, to have another child. We're definitely going to try and we're going to do our best and I am very confident that it will happen and I hope that it happens. I am very confident that it will happen and I hope that it happens. But even if it doesn't, you know, we, we have everything.

Jaclyn:

Yeah,

Sam:

We really do so.

Jaclyn:

And that takes a lot of pressure off of me psychologically. Yeah, you know I don't have that feeling that I would be disappointing you.

Sam:

Yeah

Jaclyn:

If that didn't happen though, it's not all me-

Sam:

Right, yeah, it's down to the swimmers in the first place, right, yeah, yeah. So I don't know, I don't know. You know it's just as much on me as well, but again, like there's no need to sacrifice the present and the blessings of the present for fear of the future or what the future may or may not hold. So I think for me it's similar along those lines. I think sometimes I've thought, like man, it's like my friends that had kids in their 20s, or people I know that had kids in their 20s. They're going to be, you know, in their. Their kids are in high school or graduating high school or whatever it is, and now they're you know almost empty nesters and they have all of this life in front of them.

Sam:

They get you know they're going to have grandchildren, maybe great grandchildrengrandchildren children children, that whole thing. So I think you know if we're talking about just those kind of thoughts that's occurred to me and just you know, having that whole second part of your life after children and all the benefits.

Sam:

Yeah, still be young and have all of that to look forward to, after having the experience of raising kids and then grandkids and that sort of thing. Not that we, you know, are so old that we won't see grandkids, I'm not saying that but it's just, you know, an extended period of time.

Jaclyn:

Well, you know, statistically, women who have children later live longer.

Sam:

I saw that Instagram reel as well.

Jaclyn:

Um, but uh so there's that, uh. Same for men too. I'm sure, I'm sure there's just so much to live for.

Sam:

Yeah. And so there's that aspect, and then I think you know how exactly what you said, like how many kids could we have, like it would have been cool or crazy. You know the good and bad with everything, but to have a house full of kids.

Jaclyn:

Part of it is like I would love to have like five children but then the reality of what we want to accomplish, and then add five kids in there, I feel like we would never have any downtime, and I don't know that. I'm ready for that.

Sam:

Yeah, for this period of life. But then I think you know down the road if you have four or five kids out in the world, yeah, that's.

Jaclyn:

We can always adopt too.

Sam:

Of course. Yeah, so there's that aspect of it. But again, like I kind of feel like go one at a time and see how it feels, so I kind of feel like two is the right number at this at this point in time, cause I mean he's wearing me out, I'm not going to lie, yeah, but uh well, my mom says that Roman is like three children.

Jaclyn:

I'm glad she says that Cause yeah, she said I was at least two. I was. I could believe my mom is a good litmus test because she had me and then she had my brother. She said my brother had a lot of energy, but I was like off the walls. She said Roman, she thinks Roman is even more energy than I was.

Sam:

Yeah. So all that to say you know the pros and the cons I would say that I am so grateful for how it played out. I think it was all God's timing. I would have not wanted you, I would have not wanted to have kids at a period of time where you weren't ready and didn't feel like you wanted that and felt like, for whatever reason, it held you back from anything. So I'm thankful and we're blessed that, like, for whatever reason, um, it held you back from anything. So, uh, I'm thankful and we're blessed that Roman came along when he did Um.

Jaclyn:

so I have no regrets no regrets, yeah, and I would say that I already mentioned. My only fear is that I want to have another child. But let's say I know that we're having another child, then I have zero regrets either, because he is the coolest thing that has ever happened and the timing of it was just. I felt mentally capable of handling a child.

Sam:

Yeah. So, yeah, and it'll be. It'll be really cool to see him with a sibling or see that interaction.

Jaclyn:

I think he's going to be sweet. Yeah, he is all he'll be a little buzz he's all boy, but at the same time you know he'll like accidentally kick you and then be, like can I fix your boo-boo?

Sam:

I love you, mama, I love you so much or intentionally kick you or intentionally bite you and then yeah you want to fix it.

Jaclyn:

So anything that we missed in this, sam, I think we can't. We cannot stress enough how much we love being parents. Certainly it creates more to juggle and more to do, but the purpose in it is just hard to even put into words.

Sam:

Yeah, I always think to myself what would I really? What else would I be doing? Or would I rather be doing? Yeah, you know so, nothing, nothing.

Jaclyn:

He's just the joy of our lives.

Sam:

Yeah.

Jaclyn:

As cliche as that sounds, it's absolutely true and we have really beautiful lives. Okay, do you want to leave the audience with a question?

Sam:

Sure lives. Okay, do you want to leave the audience with a question? Sure, how have you experienced divine timing in your own life decisions?

Jaclyn:

And why did you ask that question?

Sam:

Uh, you stumped me because.

Jaclyn:

No, we asked that because we I got pregnant unexpectedly and in divine timing right when I feel like I should have gotten pregnant. I felt like that was for people who are maybe planning children or other, like major decisions are there, you know, at a space where they are at a crossroads with some major decisions. Think about how you've experienced divine timing in the past and maybe lean into that and sink into it and allow things to happen as they're meant to.

Sam:

Right, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

Jaclyn:

Yeah, and that's a challenge for myself too, because I want to have another child but, I have to trust that it's going to happen when it's supposed to and that beautiful baby is going to come whenever God wants it to. Okay, well, thank you so much for listening. We're so grateful for you. We're so grateful for your support. Check out the Freq app. Leave us a review if you are enjoying this podcast and, again, we just really appreciate you tuning in and hopefully tuning up Live on purpose! Live on frequency!

Jaclyn:

Thank you so much for listening to the Freq Show with Sam Thurmond and me, Jaclyn Steele Thurmond. We would love to connect with you via our website, beckonliving. com, and on social media.

Sam:

You can find us on Instagram and TikTok @Beckon Living and you can join our email list to receive uplifting messages, podcast and business updates and discounts on high-frequency products just for our Freqy community. Cheers to high-frequency living!